John Klossner

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Shared keyboards, chairpooling and other budget-cutting proposals

John Klossner

Further suggested cost-cutting proposals for the federal workforce:

* Shared keyboards.

* Replace all smart phones with “nice personality” phones.

* One word: chairpooling.

* Any money found in employees’ pockets when entering federal buildings belongs to the Treasury.

* Federal employees required to provide their own toilet paper.

* At staff meetings, everyone will be asked to think of a number. Those that match manager’s number will be furloughed for the day.

* Employees with birthdays on odd-numbered days are furloughed on Mondays and Wednesdays, and those with even-numbered days on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

* Employees how have choice between mandated furloughs or cleaning agency windows.

* All desks will be metered at 50 cents an hour.

* Rent out cubicles as low-budgeted motel rooms at night and on weekends, conference rooms as “suites.”

* Replace all printers with slates and chalk.

* Agency coffeemaker now works on a lottery basis.

* “Bring Your Daughter to Work” Day will now be called “Have Your Daughter Take Calls” Day.

* Agency cafeterias to operate as pot luck.

* Return to budget 1.0.

John Klossner

Posted on Feb 09, 2011 at 12:19 PM


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Reader comments

Mon, Mar 7, 2011 Fred Mertz Alexandria, VA

The public debt would be repaid rapidly if all public bathrooms in the DC area had a free admissions policy, and a PAID exit policy. At $5.00 / exit, the national debt would be paid in no time.

Mon, Feb 28, 2011 TN

@Renee: Well, if you would not wait until 4:29 to tell the employee that security will take them to the door at 4:30 never to be admitted again, they might take all those personal things home with them when they leave.

Wed, Feb 16, 2011 Don

Lets establish a new intern program for young people looking to have a career in the federal government. They get to spend a couple of years at minimum wage doing all the sorts of low skill work we currently contract out. I'm thinking custodial services, lawn care, snow removal, etc. Same work gets done at a cheaper rate, and we get to weed out those who are unwilling to actually work for a living before we hire them into career positions.

Tue, Feb 15, 2011 GT AFB

Last program we had two people per 6x6 cubicle and did our own trash and cleaning. Current program has 1 person per 8x6 cube, but there is only one restroom with only 2 commodes for approximately 300 men. Take a number.

Mon, Feb 14, 2011 Beel VA

@ Renee--at first I thought you were kidding. The only way to 'humanize' a cubicle, especially when working for a mindless bureaucracy, is to personalize it.
And I'm surprised that so many of your people "leave"-- that's not typical of the Fed. Perhaps your efficiency-first-to-heck-with-people's-wants-and-needs mindset reflects your agency's, thus the turnover??

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